To the person who is more than my bestfriend

I guess it was two years ago when most of our thoughts was to leave the outskirt of this small town and journey through the big cities. Two years ago our worries were not about how to survive the five units psych stat nor the "umala-major" ge's. Our concerns were not the cuatro, cinco, or the incomplete the professors could give or should I say, us, students could get. Two years ago, most questions that were circling our mind was "where will I spend another four years for college?" and most importantly "what degree program will I take?". Well, that was the time where we think a lot about where we are right now.


Well, I remember two years ago, Blanche and I were walking along the side walk and just trolling around the city and those questions came up. I don't really remember who asked first or who brought up the topic but I remember clearly what she said about the degree program she'll take. She said she wanted to take up psychology as her major. Well, I was surprise and blank? Well, blank because I don't even know what psychology is really all about and I am not aware of its domain. I know shame on me. But as she talked about it I could see how her eyes sparkles, how excited she is, how she looked forward to it and how eager she is to journey through the challenging and formidable front of psychology. There and then, I saw how beautiful she is. Well, Blanche is a natural beauty yet she glow more when she talked about the things she love. That was one of those moment. Well, you might be wondering why I recalled that exact moment, here's the thing guys because of that conversation I had with my best friend, because of her I became curious about Psychology itself and here I am also enjoying, struggling and starting to love psychology. Yes, like her I am also taking up Psychology and is also having those late night getting to know Sigmund Freud.


Sis, you are a beautiful soul inside and out and I believe all present tonight can attest to that. You are beautiful like a brilliant diamond that changes its gleam with the touch of light in every different angle. You are for keep and I am thankful for the universe conspiracy that lead me to you and spent years of my life with you. Well, we've know each other for more than half of our lives yet sis, I really don't know you fully and to be honest, I don't want to. I don't want to because sis, for me you are timeless and imperishable prose that shouldn't be hastily perude its finis. You are a continuing poetry, a ceaseless one and by saying that I entirely know you, I feel like I'm putting an end to a sublime story, I feel like I am looking, reading ahead and I don't have the heart for that nor even the strength. I will be here willingly and patiently be waiting for your story's unfolding. Sis, I treasure you and I treasure our friendship. This friendship is something I wouldn't trade for anything. And you, YOU are someone I will never regret knowing. I will always embrace you; the YOU transcending even all your self-acknowledged flaws. And sis, I am here. I am always here so, whatever whatnots life may hurl, I will always be here.


Happy Eighteen! I love you. Always.


-L







P.s this was supposed to be my speech but I wasn't able to deliver it. I know it's too late but I just thought I'll give it to you, sis. I meant every word. I miss you. x

Will You?

Letting you go, before I thought I’ll never regret doing. I turned and walked away.

I spent my time grasping accomplishment and honour, I spent my time achieving things I thought will give me self-satisfaction and as I achieve the glamour of triumph, the felicitation and the compliment of others, I feel like there is something lacking.

Too focus, I shrug my thoughts and pivot my all in greatness. I work harder and dream further and yes, along the way hurdles befall but I never give up and I wish I also did the same to us.

Of all the accomplishments I gained through the years, I also clinched the truth that the only person who I wanted to congratulate me on every success I obtain was you, the only person I wanted to be with every struggle was you and the only person I wanted to be with in the Hollywood ending of mine was you.

Just as everything seems so blurry to me, just as I feel like I’m trounce and just as my heart discern rue, my tears fall and pain surface. That day when I turned and walked away hark back.

Right now, right this moment will you give me the opportunity to unriddle my reason? Will you give me the time to unravel why I choose to broke us? Will you give me the chance to begin again?

Kahon

Sa mga panahon na ang yakap mo ang siyang naging kumot sa malaming na gabi. Sa mga panahon na ang tinig mo ang siyang naging musika sa aking tenga. Sa mga panahon na ang ngiti mo ang siyang bumuo sa aking araw. Ito ang mga panahon na aking pinag-iingatan, pinagpapahalagahan at pinakakatago. Ito ang mga panahon na aking binaon sa baol ng alaala.

Alaala. Ito na lamang ang iyong habilin sa ating matamis na kahapon. Alaala ng bawat saya, ng bawat lungkot, ng bawat sakit na iyong dinala sa buhay ko. Alaala na lamang ang mga matatamis na mensahe sa umaga, ang mga masasayang agahan, ang mga tanghalian na kung saan ang maalat na adobong iyong niluto ay buong sarap kong kakainin, ang mga hapunan na sinusubukan kong abutan at ang mga gabi na ang iyong mukha ang huli kong nasisilayan.

Alaala nalang ang lahat ng pangarap na nabuo sa apat na pader ng isang kanlungan. Lahat ng pangako ay naguho kasama ng paguho ng iyong pag-ibig. Sa buhos ng ulan, sa dilim ng gabi kung saan binalot kita ng yakap hawak-hawak ang isang maliit na kahon na laman ang patunay ng aking pag-ibig, bigla ka nalang kumawala sa aking yakap. Tiningnan mo ko, tiningnan mo ang buong pagkatao ko at sa bawat bigkas ng mga salita na lumalabas sa iyong bibig ay siya ring bawat tulo ng luha na lumalabas sa aking mata. Tiningnan mo ko, tiningnan mo ang buong pagkatao ko ngunit pinili mo parin akong saktan at sa bawat bigkas ng mga salita na lumalabas sa iyong bibig ay unti-unti mo kong binasag.

Binalot kita ng yakap ngunit bigla ka nalang kumawala sa aking yapos_sa aking pagmamahal.

Inakala kong ikaw na ang aking 'hanggang sa walang hanggang', inakala kong habambuhay na kitang mahahagkan, inakala kong aabot tayo sa punto na puputi ang buhok, kukulubot ang balat, hihina ang tuhod ngunit buo parin ang pagmamahal sa isa't isa. Inakala ko na ang 'tayo' ay walang katapusan ngunit pinili mong bitawan ang 'ako' at lumakbay ang 'ikaw'. Pinili mo akong saktan, pinili mo kong pakawalan. Nais kitang ipaglaban, nais kong ipaglaban ang 'tayo' ngunit magmumukha lamang akong tanga kung ipaglalaban ko ang 'tayo' na ikaw mismo ang unang bumitaw. Pero teka, kaya kong maging tanga, kaya kong magpakatanga sayo pero putangina! Sobrang sakit! Sobrang sakit lalo na ng iyong sabihin "Mahal kita pero...pero hanggang dito nalang ang kaya kong ibigay. Kung kaya ko lang sapatan ang pagmamahal na iyong ibinibigay pero hindi eh. Bitaw na."Bumitiw ka na. Sumuko ka na. Matagal na pala. At ako si Tanga, umaasang lahat ng ito ay isang masamang panaginip lamang.

Pero hindi. Umalis ka at naiwan ako kasama ang maliit na kahon na sana ang pangako ng ating bukas. Ngunit wala eh. Totoo ang lahat. Totoo ang luha, ang sakit.

At ang sakit na lamang ang siyang nagpapaalala sa akin sa bawat memurya ng lumipas na panahon. Pipilitin kong kalimutan ang luha, ang sakit, ang alaala. Pipilitin kong kalimutan ang iyong ngiti, ang iyong yakap at ang iyong halik. Pipilitin ko... Pipilitin kong kalimutan ang kahapon. Ngunit hindi ko kayang ipangako na kaya kong kalimutan ang pag-ibig na siyang nagturo sa akin ng saya at sakit. At hindi ko maipapangako na kaya kong itapon ang maliit na kahon, ang kahon na pangako sana ng ating bukas.

A Journey

When words seem so meaningless and my action seems so pointless, hear my heart because every beat of it perfectly tells how much your existence lighten up the pavements of this long journey. Before, I traveled feeling the loneliness of being alone. I became accustomed of walking down the path only with the company of my shadow and I became used to of deciding alone for myself which road to go to. All of those changed when I turned to a crossroad where you suddenly walked beside me then started talking about your wanders which in the first I didn't even asked. Yes, at first I found it annoying but you know what's funny? In time, I found myself listening to your stories, then I saw that I was talking to you, later I realize that I like your company.

When you told me that traveling is tiring, I couldn't agree more but I couldn't forget that time when you walked ahead, turned to me and said "Indeed it is tiring, but you know what's keeping me going? It's reaching my destination and feeling happiness and satisfaction knowing that I didn't give up midway." I had the same thinking, the same outlook. I thought that I was only enjoying your company latter that I found out, i'm falling for you. Being alien to this feeling, I followed what others told me, listen to the music of the beating heart. Truthfully, I didn't understood what they meant, every time I tried to listen, I only heard the 'lub-dub' sound of the heart then the moment came where  I fathom what it truly meant. I saw how you listen to my tedious stories, how you laughed at my corniest joke and how you brighten up my dull world. I saw how much you cared, how much you appreciated and how much you cherished the friendship we built. And when I saw your genuine smile, your pure laugh I told myself that I will hold dear this person. There, I heard the music of my beating heart, it played the sound of your name and our always.

I played the melody, sang the song and meant every lyrics. I was overjoyed when I knew both of us had the same rhythm. You loved me and I to you. 'My' journey, 'Your' journey became 'Our' journey. Our tempo together was at its finest and our trek was a paragon. I had a glimpse of perfection when I saw the pulchritude of the rising sun with you and when together we viewed the sundown, I had witness a magnum opus of the Creator. Days passed, months shunted, years elapsed and we had journey together in smooth pavement, in sandy one and even in old back roads holding  each other hand and singing our song. The pages of our book inspissate but of course, not all chapter where full of happiness, there were also a sprinkle of misunderstanding and silly fighting yet even the sweetest processed chocolate came from the slightly bitter flavour beans of Cacao.

I played our melody, sang our song and even dance to it. We had the same beat then suddenly you moved in a swift cadence. I tried to cope up with you; I tried for you yet everything seems to change in a second. Change. You had widen your horizon and further your destination. Everything was slowly falling apart.

You told me the thing that make a journey a beautiful one and the thing that will keep me going is the thought of the destination ahead but unintentionally, you taught me the more important things not through words but through actions. You made me realize that it's not the destination that matters but its the journey itself, the people you travel with, the memories you made and the lessons you learned. You thought me all of that and I hope the years you spent with me in this journey made you realize the same thing. I wish just like how our heartbeat shared the same rhythm before, we could also share the same stance now.

I want to work things out but words seem so meaningless and my actions seem so pointless, so please listen to my heart that shout your name, feel it warmth and feel its love again, and open your eyes and together let's see our always.

My Little Thing

Looking forward for the day to spend it with great happiness and excitement.

I plan to fill a room with balloons and confetti. I plan to bake you a cake with sweet icing and candles on top. I plan to give you something that can show how much you mean to me. I plan to give you not the best nor fanciest birthday party but a memorable one.

To perfectly pull this of, I am willing to put all my effort. I don’t mind spending my time like how you didn’t mind spending yours with me. I want everything to be perfect, like how you made my life perfect.

Occurrence like this only happens once in a year and by this I want to make it special. I want to be the first person to greet you and also the last one. I want to do the little things that can make you happy. Selfish it may sound but I want to be your little things. I want to be your puzzle piece because for me, you are my  puzzle piece.

Just as I were about to make my plan work, I remember the day when the rain poured and so did my tears. I remembered the moment I broke down and so did the word “us” crumbled. I feel my heart crushed and so did I feel the tears falling.

Ruefulness flooded over me. For a moment I forgot reality. I was cache by the dream of you, of us. Silly me. And now, because I lose the chance of being with you, I’ll just do the same thing I always did every 21st of September for the past four years. I’ll just whisper to the wind my birthday greeting, hoping it will reach you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY PUZZLE PIECE, MY LITTLE THING.

Leaving Home

 Before when I was still a grader, I never bother thinking of leaving my hometown and my family (especially my mom) but every time I saw my older brothers and sister leave for college, I wonder what do they feel leaving home but after a while of thinking, I would reach the conclusion that they feel terrible leaving me and mom. When I entered high school, there my thoughts about departing my hometown changed. I became so eager to finish high school to escape this place I'm living. Everything about the place just seems to annoy me. The people, the dramas, the pain. I am too wrapped up with my own pain that everything in my way seems to cause me a twinge and I want to escape. I want to abscond. Nevertheless, high school was fun. The people I spend fourth years (mostly ten years) with were also like a remedy to my eagerness of leaving but of course not all. I spend most my days with my friends in school and carried responsibilities I choose to shoulder, though, time seems to end for us after four years of battle with exams, quizzes and high school dramas, my thirst of leaving never seems to quench.

And I've got what I've always been thinking of, attending college in another city which means leaving my hometown. Of course I feel pleased and excited. I prepared everything that I needed, from my enrolment down to my boarding house. Everything is set and done and I'm just waiting for the start of term. In all my preparation for college my mom is always helping me out. There I saw how selfish I was.
Out of hundreds and thousands of cells, I was that one cell who won the racing that day and ever since then my mom is always there for me. I am so eager to run off that I never saw my mom's sadness. For years my mom is always with me, and she loves me.There was never a time in my seventeen years of living that I was away from my mom for even a week. I was so blinded by my excitement of departing that I taken for granted my mom's feeling. Before I never thought of expressing my affection for mom (I'm really not a showy kind of person) because I always thought I always have time for that later. I guess I still have, but not like now that I've got to see her everyday and have meals with her. I'm leaving and it feels like I'm not that excited at all.

I miss my high school batch mates but I miss more my mom. Much more. I'm still home but I'm already missing her. And I guess Harry Potter was right, it is a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up. (Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire)

Awkward inspires.

I feel extremely lame. Just because I’m watching an American show ‘Awkward’ where the protagonist who is in High School loves to write her daily dilemmas in her blog encourage me to open the tab and write. Yes, it’s been a while since I wrote something. I don’t know my passion in writing just... Okay, it wasn't gone but maybe, just maybe I lost my motivation.

Yes, my life is full of crapness and up until now, it is still the same.

 Everyday I still got all those same crap I have. Maybe the good thing that only happened was, I graduated High School. Okay scratch that out... Now, to be truthful I don’t think graduating High School was good (well, I might say it’s good that I won’t be facing any High School dramas) because preparing for College is  gad damn HARD! Hard in a sense that I’m utterly confused to choose where I want to spend another hell.

I’m confused to choose between a university where I want because of the name or the university where my friends are there and the degree program I want is available. How can you choose between two things that basically dictates your future? How can you be a hundred percent sure that when you choose, you choose the right one?

Each choice has its points for me to remember and consider. I want to open up this problem to someone who can give me advice, who can listen to me but every time I try, it only leads to two things. First, they are not interested to listen and second, I’m afraid to find an answer because inside, I’m scared. Frighten to make a wrong decision that can ruin my future.